I don't know why, but most of the time I was in California, I only wanted to go home. Yet I was having a good time, and doing things I loved. I think it's the medication, not working quite as well as it should.
Now that we are in Oregon, I am in no hurry to get home. I wonder why we did not go to Texas (oh yes, Nick was worried about finding a place to stay in Arizona). I really want to go somewhere else. "As a rule a man's a fool...".
I have really been thinking all day that I do not want to go home. I don't like the house, I don't like the work I should be doing, I don't like living there. I don't want to go home. I am dreading it.
Yet in California, I felt much less strongly about not likeing the house, and more strongly about maybe, not haveing a definite plan, being undecided, not going to Texas, but doing what else? I felt restless. That "is that all there is to a fire?" sort of feeling.
It's driving me crazy. I just want to enjoy life. And I do, for the most part.
Update on depression: it is not so bad, unless this "want to go home, don't want to go home" is symptomatic. I had a good time today on the walk. About halfway through I was starving, so we got some girl scout cookies from in front of a store, and that took care of the problem. I find that I do not recognize hunger coming on, just when it is that I have to eat NOW feeling.
It is too quiet here, and I am out of podcasts. I really don't know how Nick doeosn't want music or somehting, but maybe he doesn't have the noise in his head like I do, and maybe also he is either reading or on the computer concentrating on that. Whereas, I am sewing or spinning or knitting, and I have lots and lots of time to think. Maybe that is the whole problem, too much time to think.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
More good news
I have been taking the two pills for almost a week now, if my calculations are correct. And I haven't had a really bad day. So I think the dosage is working.
Plus, I worked on the Cat quilt today, fixed one cat's ear, and sewed the three cats together. One of them still needs a tail, and then I will be ready to start sewing on the borders. Hooray.
Meanwhile, at the laundromat, I finished up the strap on the little bag that I am knitting. Now I have to weave in ends and that is complete.
Plus I worked on another Mother Bear bear for the charity I am supporting. Must be done and posted on Ravelry by March 1, which is next Tuesday???? I need to consult a calendar. I wound the yarn and found the needles, so I am close to casting on for my next project, Ice Queen. So progress, more progress, lots of things getting accomplished.
And I keep up with the dishes nearly every day. We don't vacuum often enough, but I do wash the shower once or twice a week, and clean the toilet fairly often. So I should also give myself credit for keeping up with that sort of stuff. Oh and I took out the garbage yesterday, without even being asked, or Nick even knowing. He usually does that chore, but heck, I can do it once in a while.
So, I'm feeling good. I'm getting stuff done. And I'm enjoying myself. Everything is working fine right now.
Check!
Plus, I worked on the Cat quilt today, fixed one cat's ear, and sewed the three cats together. One of them still needs a tail, and then I will be ready to start sewing on the borders. Hooray.
Meanwhile, at the laundromat, I finished up the strap on the little bag that I am knitting. Now I have to weave in ends and that is complete.
Plus I worked on another Mother Bear bear for the charity I am supporting. Must be done and posted on Ravelry by March 1, which is next Tuesday???? I need to consult a calendar. I wound the yarn and found the needles, so I am close to casting on for my next project, Ice Queen. So progress, more progress, lots of things getting accomplished.
And I keep up with the dishes nearly every day. We don't vacuum often enough, but I do wash the shower once or twice a week, and clean the toilet fairly often. So I should also give myself credit for keeping up with that sort of stuff. Oh and I took out the garbage yesterday, without even being asked, or Nick even knowing. He usually does that chore, but heck, I can do it once in a while.
So, I'm feeling good. I'm getting stuff done. And I'm enjoying myself. Everything is working fine right now.
Check!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
More update on medication
One of the purposes of my writing this blog is so that I don't forget what is going on. For instance, I can record progress or lack of it on my quilts, and remember from one month to the next what I'm doing.
Since I have gotten talking about depression, I think I can also do that for the medication. So I was feeling pretty good, and I was taking two pills a day. However, since the current prescription is for only one pill per day, I will run out in 45 days not 90 if I keep taking two.
I therefore decided to only take one and a half pills per day. Yesterday, after about a week of one and a half pills per day, I was feeling pretty lousy. We really did have a good day. Except that I didn't tell Nick that I wanted to visit some yarn shops, and I didn't tell him that it wasn't worth sitting around for two hours doing nothing while a podcast loaded. And he didn't tell me that the lights in the library were giving him a headache. So we were both unhappy, and I was ready to cry when we left the library.
Then he wanted to go to a stupid Dollar Store that the GPS said was there and wasn't, because he wanted to buy popcorn. Well, driving all over Santa Barbara to save a dollar or two on popcorn, when we already have popcorn in the motorhome is just dumb. Only I never said that to him.
I just wanted to go home, and cry. It started feeling like I could NEVER do what I want and NEVER go anywhere without Nick and that he didn't want to do ANYTHING I wanted to do, because he won't ride bikes or fix stuff.
Well, Susan. You are going to call the doctor and get an appointment for when you get home. You can even make the appointment from here, as soon as you know for sure when you will get home. So take the medication you need, and feel better.
Yes, Mother. I am a good person, I take care of myself.
So there. (Started back on two pills per day today!)
Since I have gotten talking about depression, I think I can also do that for the medication. So I was feeling pretty good, and I was taking two pills a day. However, since the current prescription is for only one pill per day, I will run out in 45 days not 90 if I keep taking two.
I therefore decided to only take one and a half pills per day. Yesterday, after about a week of one and a half pills per day, I was feeling pretty lousy. We really did have a good day. Except that I didn't tell Nick that I wanted to visit some yarn shops, and I didn't tell him that it wasn't worth sitting around for two hours doing nothing while a podcast loaded. And he didn't tell me that the lights in the library were giving him a headache. So we were both unhappy, and I was ready to cry when we left the library.
Then he wanted to go to a stupid Dollar Store that the GPS said was there and wasn't, because he wanted to buy popcorn. Well, driving all over Santa Barbara to save a dollar or two on popcorn, when we already have popcorn in the motorhome is just dumb. Only I never said that to him.
I just wanted to go home, and cry. It started feeling like I could NEVER do what I want and NEVER go anywhere without Nick and that he didn't want to do ANYTHING I wanted to do, because he won't ride bikes or fix stuff.
Well, Susan. You are going to call the doctor and get an appointment for when you get home. You can even make the appointment from here, as soon as you know for sure when you will get home. So take the medication you need, and feel better.
Yes, Mother. I am a good person, I take care of myself.
So there. (Started back on two pills per day today!)
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Update on medication
I thought I needed to update this blog to mention that Tuesday, when I had a really good day, and I wrote about how I should just take the stupid pills if they help me feel okay, well that Tuesday, I found out on Wednesday, I had forgotten to take the "stupid" pills. And I had a good day anyway. Go figure.
No, actually, I know what it is. These pills are cummulative. Seldom will one day of not taking them cause a bad day. It's after two weeks or so that things get bad. Which makes it harder to figure out whether or not, and how much, the pills are helping. The law of averages, or human nature, or something, dictate that in any given two week period, there are bound to be some days which are not as good as other days. And while it is nice to blame the differences of the weather, or the human condition, or the boss, or your spouse or kids. it is very nearly impossible to determine exactly why one day is better and one day is worse. You really have to go by averages in this type of situation.
In other words, to see if the pills work, you have to judge how the average of every day for two weeks is ON the pills, and OFF the pills. And unfortunately, it is impossible to redo the previous two weeks with then without pills, in order to see whick is better.
There are some studies which show that taking a placebo is just as effective as taking an antidepressant. My worry about these studies is that perhaps only x number of people are helped by an antidepressant. And perhaps x number of people are helped by a placebo. Who knows if it is the SAME people. x might be 20% or 80% or whatever. Here an example. Say we want to improve people's view of a sporting event which is very crowded. We select 200 people at random, and give half of the a step stool so that they can stand a foot taller to see. The other half get binoculars. Now if these people are truly random, there will be some short people in each group and some tall people. The binoculars will help the tall people see the sporting event better, but will not help the short people, because they will not be able to see over the crowds.
The step stools will help some of the shorter people see better, but will not help the tallerst people, because they can already see above others heads. And of course, the really short folks will not be helped by either accessory. But in each case, perhaps 25% of the participants will report that the item they got helped them to see the event better.
However, we should not conclude that stepstools are just as effective as binoculars, and encourage people to purchase inexpensive step stools in lieu of the more expensive binoculars. That would be foolish.
Each item solves a different problem, even though it was expressed as "I can't see the game very well because of the crowds."
I think depression is really a very complex or perhaps several problems, and that no one solution will work in every case. AND, I worry that people will take pills because they are sad. "My dog died, I lost my job, my rent is due and I don't have the money, and my doctor just diagnosed me with mono, wow, am I depressed" is entirely different from "I have a job I love, I am married to my best friend, I am going to spend the weekend emersed in a craft I love, and I can hardly get out of bed, wow, I am depressed."
Enough for now.
PS Have you ever typed on the wrong keys, so that "enough for now" comes out "rmpihj gpt mpe". I just thought it looked funny.
No, actually, I know what it is. These pills are cummulative. Seldom will one day of not taking them cause a bad day. It's after two weeks or so that things get bad. Which makes it harder to figure out whether or not, and how much, the pills are helping. The law of averages, or human nature, or something, dictate that in any given two week period, there are bound to be some days which are not as good as other days. And while it is nice to blame the differences of the weather, or the human condition, or the boss, or your spouse or kids. it is very nearly impossible to determine exactly why one day is better and one day is worse. You really have to go by averages in this type of situation.
In other words, to see if the pills work, you have to judge how the average of every day for two weeks is ON the pills, and OFF the pills. And unfortunately, it is impossible to redo the previous two weeks with then without pills, in order to see whick is better.
There are some studies which show that taking a placebo is just as effective as taking an antidepressant. My worry about these studies is that perhaps only x number of people are helped by an antidepressant. And perhaps x number of people are helped by a placebo. Who knows if it is the SAME people. x might be 20% or 80% or whatever. Here an example. Say we want to improve people's view of a sporting event which is very crowded. We select 200 people at random, and give half of the a step stool so that they can stand a foot taller to see. The other half get binoculars. Now if these people are truly random, there will be some short people in each group and some tall people. The binoculars will help the tall people see the sporting event better, but will not help the short people, because they will not be able to see over the crowds.
The step stools will help some of the shorter people see better, but will not help the tallerst people, because they can already see above others heads. And of course, the really short folks will not be helped by either accessory. But in each case, perhaps 25% of the participants will report that the item they got helped them to see the event better.
However, we should not conclude that stepstools are just as effective as binoculars, and encourage people to purchase inexpensive step stools in lieu of the more expensive binoculars. That would be foolish.
Each item solves a different problem, even though it was expressed as "I can't see the game very well because of the crowds."
I think depression is really a very complex or perhaps several problems, and that no one solution will work in every case. AND, I worry that people will take pills because they are sad. "My dog died, I lost my job, my rent is due and I don't have the money, and my doctor just diagnosed me with mono, wow, am I depressed" is entirely different from "I have a job I love, I am married to my best friend, I am going to spend the weekend emersed in a craft I love, and I can hardly get out of bed, wow, I am depressed."
Enough for now.
PS Have you ever typed on the wrong keys, so that "enough for now" comes out "rmpihj gpt mpe". I just thought it looked funny.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Problem with Depression
Okay, so now I received my medication and I'm back on two pills a day. And why didn't I just call the doctor, make an appointment, and get enough pills. Why? Why???
I feel fine now. I think, well, I don't really have to take this medication. The weather is warm (except today when it was cooler but I actually liked that and it isn't like it is cold or anything, 60 rather than 75 or 80F), and I am getting stuff done, and Nick is taking me to quilt shops and things are just fine.
But wait, stop. I am taking the medication. I do feel fine. However, last month, when I was running out and taking only one pill a day, I felt like crap. And didn't have the "gumption" or whatever I lack when depressed to call the doctor and say "oh, one pill isn't working and we agreed on two starting on Oct 1 which I did, only now I am running out." No I just try to tough through it and pretend everything is fine.
Okay, I don't like being on the medication. I wouldn't like having a wooden leg either, but if my real leg was missing, I would probably embrace a prosthetic. I don't like wearing glasses, but I insert my contacts daily. So why is this medication so different. I need it. I feel better when I have it. I don't seem to need more and more, just the two pills a day in winter.
So get with the program, Suzie. Get the medication, suck it up and take it, make a doctor appointment to get more as soon as you get home. It's okay, really. Really.
I feel fine now. I think, well, I don't really have to take this medication. The weather is warm (except today when it was cooler but I actually liked that and it isn't like it is cold or anything, 60 rather than 75 or 80F), and I am getting stuff done, and Nick is taking me to quilt shops and things are just fine.
But wait, stop. I am taking the medication. I do feel fine. However, last month, when I was running out and taking only one pill a day, I felt like crap. And didn't have the "gumption" or whatever I lack when depressed to call the doctor and say "oh, one pill isn't working and we agreed on two starting on Oct 1 which I did, only now I am running out." No I just try to tough through it and pretend everything is fine.
Okay, I don't like being on the medication. I wouldn't like having a wooden leg either, but if my real leg was missing, I would probably embrace a prosthetic. I don't like wearing glasses, but I insert my contacts daily. So why is this medication so different. I need it. I feel better when I have it. I don't seem to need more and more, just the two pills a day in winter.
So get with the program, Suzie. Get the medication, suck it up and take it, make a doctor appointment to get more as soon as you get home. It's okay, really. Really.
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